Stargazer,
I’m sitting on my bed, right next to our smoking spot, and I’m writing letters for people I have never met. It’s a funny thing, I can only write when I’m sad, when I’m drowning in smoke and alcohol, when I’m sleep deprived and thinking too much, when the world crashes down. And it's a funny thing I’m writing letters for you, out of all people, because you're the only thing not making me sad. I see the ashes on my window sill, an empty pack of cigarettes right next to it. And I see your hair waving in the wind, your whole body shivering because it’s too cold. I don't think I’ll make it past twenty. I’m too much like myself. The world is going to the dogs too and so am I, burning bridges and dreams and crushing people with what I have. I hope I’m not crushing you too, the way time is crushing me. Time; a scenic change meant to obliterate our dreams. You wake up to fall asleep, you eat to eat, you drink to drink, you feel to feel, yet time doesn’t repeat itself. Time never stops. Blink, and you might miss it. Dare I say, if I were to blink, I might miss you, I might miss our time. I might see you fade before my eyes, I might see myself turn into dust, I shouldn’t and should think about the never ending time because it’s all we’ll ever be. A thousand years into the future and we’re gone, a thousand more and they’ll stop telling tales about us. And just then the earth might crash again, just then you’ll slip between my fingers and soak yourself into the ground. It’s comforting, because the pain will stop. But it’s also fucking scary, to see the pain stop. To feel no pain means to feel no fear, means to feel no greater feeling, means to not feel any love, means my heart will stay empty and pure, means I will be pure and I hate being pure, I hate being yet another paragon of virtue. I’m a man, I’m a human, I am the waking dreams and the emotions, my father’s kind heart and my mother’s anger, a duplication of another man I could never be. Time is the only reason I might stop feeling, and that’s scaring me, because in my head, in my restless dreams and in my tearing hopes I see us, you and I, staring at the never ending evening sun.
I miss you, and I'm sorry.
NOTAR